Harry Potter and the Wall of Weird
by IronAmerica
Summary: Wizards have fallen fairly far behind the times, while muggles have progressed beyond what even magic can do. It was a pity that two dueling wizards didn't know about those advances, or iPhones and the internet before obliviating a blogger with a camera.
1. IPhones and Magic Do Not Mix

Daniel Czyjak was completely fucking lost. There was no other way for the fifteen-year-old blogger to describe it. He and his parents, Thomas and Renata Czyjak, had moved to the United Kingdom three weeks ago; Daniel had protested leaving his friends behind, but had been ignored by his parents. After all, it wasn't every day that a woman in a company like Grunnings was made a general manager.

And if that promotion happened to come with a transfer to the parent branch, a fifteen-year-olds whining wasn't going to do anything.

The blogger turned another corner, and froze as he saw something completely unexpected. Instead of turning and running like any sane person would have, he pulled his iPhone and turned on the recording function. This was definitely going on the Wall of Weird on his blog. Internet stardom here I come, he thought as he captured what appeared to be a really good special-effects duel between two guys wearing dumb robes.

Daniel unconsciously moved forward to get a better angle and stepped on an aluminum can in the alleyway. He swore under his breath as the duel-thingamajig stopped and the two men spun to look in his direction.

The blogger, finally aware of the danger he was in, stood up from his crouch, muscles tensed to run.

"Incarcerous!"

Daniel tried to move, but it was too late. Ropes from nowhere wrapped around his arms and legs, binding him tight. He measured his full length on the ground, somehow managing to keep hold of his iPhone.

The one who had thrown the ropes that acted like really grabby tentacles from one of his anime came to a halt in front of him. Up close, Daniel could see that the man's robes were lime green and decorated with vibrant blue stars. He had to wonder if the man was color-blind or just fashion impaired.

"A muggle," the man muttered before turning to his companion. The other man, wearing bright blue robes with blue sparkly-things all over them, muttered a fairly dirty word under his breath. (Daniel had to assume it was dirty, given how little he knew about British cussing. It was like trying to speak French!)

Daniel kept filming, glad that the two fruit loops hadn't noticed his iPhone (of course, it matched the color of his hoodie, and was hidden fairly well by the baggy folds of the material). Who knew what guys like this could get up to? For that matter, the teen had to wonder what the statutes against sex offenders were in the UK.

"Teodor, you'll have to do the obliviation. I'm not very good at them."

Teodor, the one in the lime green robes smiled. "Orion, you were never very good at anything besides incarcerous." He looked down at Daniel, who smiled nervously as he aimed the button camera up at his captors. "Obliviate."

Daniel looked around the alley, wondering why he was sitting there. He didn't remember coming down this way, and definitely couldn't remember the sun sinking so low. The blogger checked the clock on his phone and began swearing—he should have been home over an hour ago!

Out of idle curiosity—mainly because his phone was saying it couldn't hold any more video, and he couldn't remember turning the video capture on, Daniel hit the cancel button. After a few seconds of digging through his brain to try and find the memory of his missing hours, he opened up the video file.

"Holy shit," he said, watching the two guys in hideous robes duke it out with bright, flashy lights apparently shot from the ends of pointy little sticks. This was definitely Wall of Weird material.


	2. Buy a Clue

Holy shit! I updated this thing! After almost four months...

Chapter Two

Daniel thought he'd gotten off relatively easy, considering that he'd missed a banquet he was supposed to have attended with his parents. The enforcement of the "no electronics" rule had lasted two days; his parents had caved after the cops brought him home after a day of scaling fences with a camera from the Stone Age.

The duel posted to the Wall of Weird (his blog, now almost two years old) had received a lot of strange responses. TARDIS(at)pirateparty(dot)se* had said she (or he) hoped the nargles didn't get him. He had no idea what that meant, but it was the thought that counted, right?

Most of the other responses had been something along those lines. Still, it was the thought that counted—and his blog _had_ hit the number one "most viewed" spot the day after he'd loaded the video.

So, the teenage blogger found himself once again wandering down another alley in London, iPhone in hand. What had drawn his attention this time was an inordinate number of people appearing out of thin air, and just as many disappearing into thin air. They were all dressed like the dueling space aliens from the week before, so Daniel opened up the camera function again.

The view through the camera lens wasn't something you expected to see every day: a pub had appeared out of nowhere, and it was the source of all the magically appearing and disappearing people.

This was, once again, definitely Wall of Weird material. Daniel grinned, and walked past the outer edge of what he assumed was the shield. The idea that these fruit loops were space aliens was getting more and more appealing.

As the teenage blogger angled himself to get a better shot of the pub, a man wearing dark blue robes walked right into him. "Watch it!" Daniel snarled as he picked himself up.

The man apologized profusely. "I am so very sorry, dear boy," he said, bowing. "I'm afraid I'm not quite looking where I was going. Good day!" He tipped his hat and…vanished into thin air.

Daniel stared after him, open mouthed. There was no way that was possible! And apart from the creep-o-meter he'd gotten off the guy, there was no way that was possible! "I think my brain just broke," Daniel muttered as he turned back to the anomaly.

Three men in red robes were staring at him. Daniel grinned nervously and kept filming.

"Hiya guys. Lovely day, isn't it? Well, if nothing's going on with you, I'll just be—"

"A Yankee muggle. Brilliant."

Daniel froze and turned back. "A whatsit? I'm a what? Who the hell are you pe—"

The middle one lifted a polished wood stick, and Daniel groaned under his breath. Once was an accident, twice was a coincidence…

"Obliviate!"

Daniel came to outside a used bookstore. He didn't remember falling asleep, much less in an alley that he'd never been to before. The teenager sighed and looked at his iPhone. If he'd missed another appointment, even scaling fences with a camera wasn't going to get him his blog back. The video function was on again and, much like the first Wall of Weird incident, was refusing to hold any more video.

Feeling a horrible sense of déjà vu, Daniel ended the recording and rewound the video to the start point. The people—the disappearing/reappearing ones, as well as the guy in blue robes and the trio in red robes, appeared in crystal clear digital imagery.

And there was that word again, "obliviate". Daniel had the horrible feeling that it was connected to his memory loss and lost time. At least he wasn't missing any appointments this time.

He rewound the video to the appearance of the trio and paused it. Zooming in on the image produced a clear picture of the badge on the center man's chest. "Ministry of Magic, Obliviation Squad?" Daniel frowned, brow furrowing. "What the hell?"

The Wall of Weird was going to go berserk when this got up there…

- o - o -

So, what did you guys think? Was it good, bad? Should I stop with the running gag and get to a point? Drop a line and let me know!

*12/31/11 Edit: The e-mail address issue has been fixed, and can now be read. It's like trying to do a link for anything but this bat channel...


	3. Project: Evil Overlord

So, it's a new chapter of the Wall of Weird! Enjoy!

- o – o -

Three

Daniel sat in a small coffee shop, keeping one eye on the used bookshop and the other on his live feed from the video camera trained on an area he had trouble seeing without electronic help. After the debacle outside the red phone booth last week (he had another bug in there, to figure out how it turned into an elevator, but no dice as of yet), he'd gotten paranoid. His allowance, and the majority of his savings (left over from selling partial rights to his first British footage), had gone into WiFi capable webcams and battery packs, and some equipment for Project: Evil Overlord.

If his mother ever found out about the electronic surveillance, she'd kill him. Daniel grinned and sipped his mug of stone cold coffee. The teen grimaced at the flavor and looked around for a waiter so he could get a fresh mug, or…something.

He groaned as he saw a familiar red robe come out of the blank migraine-inducing spot that should have been an alley but wasn't. If he got "obliviated" again, he was going to have to get a gun. (And his father would kill him for that, after mom finished with her punishment for turning into Big Brother. At least Wall of Weird was active.)

Daniel slunk low in his seat as the girl in the red robe walked by him, and frowned. There was no way her hair was changing colors that fast… He was about to start filming when his laptop started beeping. The blogger pulled up the tab that was flashing red and grinned as he began packing up his computer equipment.

The Ministry of Magic had a lot to answer for…

- o – o -

Daniel stood in the phone box, glaring at the handset he was holding. There was no way this was taking so blood long. And hell! He was starting to talk like a Brit! Damn it, he really needed to escape this miserable rock and head back to civilization in Portland, Oregon…

The teenager growled something obscene under his breath and punched in the numbers again. 6-2-4-4-2. After a few seconds, a cool feminine voice came on again.

"_Welcome to the Ministry of Magic. Please state your name and the purpose of your visit._"

Daniel stared at the receiver, before shrugging. "Daniel Czyjak. I'm here to talk to the head of the, um..." he stared at his notebook. "The head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement? I have some issues with them."

"_Visitor please take your badge,_" the cool voice said again. "_Enjoy your visit to the Ministry of Magic._" Daniel grabbed the badge out of the coin slot and pinned it to one of the straps on his backpack as the phone booth began descending like an elevator.

"_Level one, the Atrium. Please proceed to the security desk to register your wand_."

It was official, Daniel decided, as he readied his video camera (a new piece for Project: Evil Overlord). Everyone connected with the obliviating nutcases was insane. The atrium was… Well, it was different, Daniel decided as he stepped off the lift.

It was also a good thing he'd spent so much on getting those five minutes alone in the back room of the equipment store he used. The EMP-hardened equipment worked like a dream around here. Of course, he wouldn't have spent seven thousand dollars of his savings to buy it, had he not already experienced the effects of magic. Maybe TARDIS hadn't been so crazy when she (or he) had suggested that magic was a disruption of the earth's magnetic field.

He froze as he came face to face with a stern-looking woman with a monocle in one eye. "I come in peace," Daniel said.

All things considered, it wasn't the best thing to say. The brand new running shoes he was wearing were surprisingly good.

- o – o -

So, what did you think? Good? Bad? Will Daniel make it out of the ministry alive? Drop a line and let me know!

Happy New Years everyone!


End file.
